


If freckles were lovely, and day was night (I wouldn’t be I)

by notdenisa



Series: take me to your river [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-08
Updated: 2019-07-08
Packaged: 2020-06-24 12:59:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19724155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notdenisa/pseuds/notdenisa
Summary: Kakashi is no stranger to loss and grief, but that doesn’t mean he’s any good at dealing with them. Sasuke tries to understand.





	If freckles were lovely, and day was night (I wouldn’t be I)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [notlena](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notlena/gifts).



> so here it is. written for my beloved friend and beta notlena. 
> 
> (and for every single amazing person that showed any interest in this thing, yall crazy)

“I want to join ANBU,” Sasuke says, one day, stretched gracefully across the sofa pushed into the corner of the Hokage’s office. Kakashi’s first instinct is to snort, but he looks up from his paperwork, sees the determined look on the Uchiha’s face and thinks,  _ No,  _ feels that word reverberate through his entire body, _ haven’t you lost enough already,  _ he thinks, a little desperately, _ I’ve lost enough already, _ but what comes out of his mouth instead is, “Alright,” because at the end of the day he is Sasuke’s Hokage and really shouldn’t be much else. And the village needs qualified shinobi, even in times of peace.

That night he dreams of dead bodies. He sees Obito, dead twice over, sees Minato and Kushina and Rin and his father, hears his own voice saying “Alright.” He sees Sasuke, dead, brought back home by his unnamed ANBU teammates, sees his own hand sign the order that assigned Sasuke to this team. He wakes up drenched in sweat, and when he looks to the side, Sasuke is asleep next to him. Alive, warm and safe. Breathing. 

He looks down at his hands and even though the room is dark, he  _ knows _ there’s no blood on them, can feel that his hands are dry and  _ yet-  _ there is blood on his hands. There is a pen in his hand, and he hears himself say  _ Alright _ and Sasuke is dead on the floor. Kakashi blinks and it’s his father, not Sasuke, why did he think it was Sasuke?  _ Alright. _ Blink, and it’s Rin, blink, Minato, blink, and there’s a pen in Kakashi’s bloody hand.  _ Alright,  _ and he’s not signing an order, he’s signing Sasuke’s death certificate. He makes a noise like he’s choking and pushes his shaking, blood-soaked fists into his eyes. Makes himself take a deep breath. And another one, and then another. He’s in no way a stranger to this, knows how this works, knows the only way to go through it is to just keep taking deep breaths, one after another. He counts to one hundred and looks to his side and Sasuke is asleep and alive and breathing right next to him. Kakashi spends the rest of the night counting those breaths.

  
  


Sasuke brings it up again two days later. They are eating breakfast and Kakashi is re-reading his favorite installment of Icha Icha Paradise. He’s reaching for another slice of toast when Sasuke says, “I meant it when I said I want to join ANBU,” and Kakashi freezes with his hand outstretched. A moment passes and Kakashi steels himself, turns to Sasuke, a smile plastered to his face and responds, voice sugar-sweet, “Maa, Sasuke-kun, you are still a genin. My conscience simply will not allow me to let a genin join ANBU.”

Sasuke’s breath hitches and his eyes narrow as he looks at Kakashi, clearly waiting for the punchline. He sees Sasuke open his mouth to say something when the silence stretches between them, but doesn’t let him get in a single word before he disappears from the kitchen in a cloud of grey smoke. 

  
  
  


Kakashi knows he can’t run from this forever, that there is virtually no way to avoid someone you basically live with, but it doesn't mean that he’s not going to at least  _ try.  _ So, instead of going home after he is finished with his duties for the day he decides to read in a tree near the training grounds. He’s not hiding, he isn’t. He’s reading. In a tree. Near the training grounds which just happen to be located as far away from the Hokage residence as possible.

Sasuke finds him, Kakashi wasn’t really deluding himself into thinking that he wouldn’t, he was just hoping for a bit more time to come up with a better excuse. 

“There is no rule saying that you have to be a jounin to join ANBU,” Sasuke says, his voice deceptively calm. 

“Maa, Sasuke-kun, it is not nice to interrupt a man’s time off with such matters.” Kakashi whines, rising the orange book to hide his face. “You can make an appointment and we can discuss it in my office.”

“There is no rule,” Sasuke repeats, “I know because I checked.”

“Well,” Kakashi scratches the back of his neck, takes a deep breath and jumps down from the tree, regretfully putting the book back into his pocket. 

“There is one now. I am the Hokage and I’m making it a rule,” Kakashi smiles, eyes squinting and voice light. 

“I’m sorry Sasuke-kun, you’ll have to take part in the chuunin exams. And only then someone can recommend you to become jounin. There is really nothing I can do.” Kakashi spreads his arms in an apologetic gesture and just barely avoids the kunai thrown at his head.

“Oi!” He yells, jumping to the side as another kunai flies through the air, “Attacking your Hokage is not something that will help you get into ANBU.”

“Yeah?” Sasuke drawls, and when Kakashi looks at him he looks battle-ready, “not even when my Hokage is a grade-A asshole?” 

“Insulting your Hokage is not the way to go either!” Kakashi exclaims when he notices the sparks of chidori appear around Sasuke’s hand.

“Whats is this really about?” Sasuke asks, taking a step towards Kakashi. “You  _ know _ I am good enough, so, do you not trust me? Because if that's the case then that’s fucking rich, you can  _ fuck me, _ but not trust me enough to--”

“I do trust you. This has nothing to do with trust,” Kakashi interrupts, hating the direction this conversation is taking, does his best to make his voice even and calm. Knows deep down that it would be very easy to run with it, to make Sasuke believe that Kakashi simply doesn’t trust him, but he can’t. Struggles to imagine anything worse he could do at this very moment.

“Then what is it?” Sasuke asks, he’s not yelling, his voice even and cold, but it has been a while since Kakashi’s seen him this angry. “It’s either that you do not trust me, or don’t think I am good enough, so, which is it?”

Kakashi swallows and takes a step back. He’s not sure he can win this fight. Physically, maybe, if he’s lucky, mentally, definitely not. He takes one more step back, sees Sasuke’s eyes narrow dangerously, hears the Uchiha yell: “Don’t you fucking dare Hatake-” before he shunshins away. 

  
  


He finds himself at a bar. It’s a little hole in the wall that sees mostly shinobi clientele, and that’s exactly what he needs. Kakashi is not a people person, but if he had to choose, he’d pick the company of other shinobi over civilians any day. 

He orders a bottle of the strongest thing they have, some homemade atrocity that probably shouldn’t be allowed for human consumption, finds the darkest corner of the bar and claims it for himself. He drinks straight through his mask, and it’s-- a little gross, even he can admit that, but he has done it in the past, and it’s honestly not so bad. He cannot bear the thought of taking it off today, would cover his entire face if he could, but that would probably only make people look at him  _ more,  _ not less, so.

He notices Genma as the man makes his way through the bar right to the little dark corner Kakashi has claimed as his own. And, Kakashi likes Genma just fine, maybe even a little more than some of the other jounin, but he really does not want any company tonight. So when the man sits in the chair opposite of him, Kakashi wishes he went with his usual plan for the evening, the memorial stone. At least no one has ever dared disturb him there.

“Yo,” Kakashi says around the rim of the glass and raises two fingers in a greeting. 

“Rough night, Kakashi-san?” Genma asks, his voice light and teasing, and on most nights Kakashi would play along, trade jokes and spend a few hours drinking with a friend, but he’s tired. Exhausted both mentally and physically, so he just shrugs, and points at the bottle of alcohol with his chin. 

Genma looks at the label of the already half-empty bottle and raises his eyebrows, says, “Oof. I see,” and takes a sip of his beer. “Do you mind if I sit here with you? Someone’s probably going to have to carry you home after you’re done with this one.” 

Kakashi shakes his head, mind already getting a bit hazy from the alcohol and says, “Maa, I can’t really go home,” He could, it’s his house, after all, but there is a very high chance that Sasuke is there, and Kakashi can’t face the Uchiha in this state. He would most definitely do something stupid, like confess, or cry. 

“Oh?” Genma looks at him, confusion written all over his face and Kakashi is reminded that he and Sasuke don’t actually go out of their way to announce their  _ thing  _ to other people. 

But, Kakashi is drunk, and Sasuke never actually forbade him from telling anyone, so he says, “Mhm, I’m in love with a teenager,” and finishes his glass in one long sip.

Genma looks at him for a long moment and then snorts, says, pointing to the bottle, “This might not be enough, then.”

Kakashi laughs at that, the sound wet and a bit hysterical, and rubs his eyes. “You might be right.”

He does end up going home, or, to be more precise, Genma practically carries him home. He doesn’t remember much, but Sasuke is not there when he wakes up, so he probably wasn’t there when he came home either. It’s a relief, but it also stings, in a way. 

  
  


As it turns out, he does not get to see Sasuke for the next five days. Gaara calls for a Kage summit, the reason for the meeting vague and secretive enough to make worry gnaw at Kakashi. The Kazekage is strong and reasonable, so if the matter requires the attention of all the Kage, Kakashi reasons it must be something serious.

It is two days before Kakashi is to depart to Suna when he sees Sasuke again. The Uchiha is sitting by the kitchen table when Kakashi comes home late at night. He startles, not expecting the visit, and raises his hand in an awkward greeting. 

“I want to go to Suna with you,” Sasuke says, and he looks tired, but his tone is serious. “And I need you to explain why you don’t want me to join ANBU.”

Kakashi takes a deep breath, puts on his best eye-smile and starts to say: “Maa, Sasuke-kun--”

“No.” Sasuke interrupts, voice like a crackle of a whip. “None of your usual bullshit. Give me a straightforward answer.” And Kakashi should have seen it coming, should have prepared for this conversation. But he hasn’t, and here it is, so he looks Sasuke in the eyes and says, “You could die, you could die on a mission and I can’t--” he trails off, because there no dignified way to end this sentence. 

Sasuke looks at him, his eyes narrowed and says, “Are you fucking kidding me?” and then starts to laugh. He laughs for a while, loud, with his hand pressed against his stomach, and when he finally calms down, he looks at Kakashi, and says, while wiping the tears from his eyes, “Are you serious? Is this really what all of this has been about?”

Kakashi shifts his weight from one foot to the other, focuses his eyes somewhere above Sasuke’s shoulder and says, “Yes.” He wants to turn around and leave the kitchen. He knows that worrying about such thing in their line of work, with who they are, who  _ Sasuke is,  _ is ridiculous. But he can’t not think about it, has tried, repeatedly, to no avail. And Sasuke must sense the shift in the atmosphere, because he walks over to Kakashi and puts his hand on Kakashi’s shoulder, says, “Come on, sit down. We need to talk about this.” 

So they sit, and Sasuke takes Kakashi’s hand in his and says, voice serious, “I’m not going to die.”

“You could.” 

“Hn, yes, but so could you. On your way to Suna, or in Suna, or here. As a matter of fact, I could die here too.” Sasuke replies, and by all rights, it should sound like he’s talking to a toddler, but it doesn’t. He sounds calm and serious and he doesn’t break eye contact with Kakashi.

“Why do you want to join ANBU?” Kakashi asks, and it’s not a diversion, not really, because he has been wondering about it ever since Sasuke mentioned it. He squeezes Sasuke’s hand when the Uchiha doesn’t answer for a long moment.

“Because I would be good at it, and I’m going stir crazy and--” Sasuke trails off, looking out the window, where the main street is visible. 

“Ah, and you would be out of the village most of the time,” Kakashi finishes for him, finally understanding. “You know, you could do all of that without being ANBU.”

“Hn,” the Uchiha turns to him and the corners of his lips twitch, just barely, “doesn’t have the same ring to it.” And that’s not the entire truth, Kakashi can tell, but that conversation can wait, he decides.

“You know that ANBU don’t usually guard the Hokage on diplomatic missions, right?” and Sasuke smiles at that, knowing he has won the fight.

“Mhm, good thing I’m sleeping with the Hokage, then, right? So he can bend the rules for me.”

And,  _ well, _ Kakashi thinks, as he leans in to kiss the smile off of Sasuke’s lips,  _ good thing indeed. _

  
  


The next morning finds him in the office, overseeing the last-minute preparations for their journey. Sasuke wanders in around noon, and sits in, at this point, his usual spot on the couch in the corner. He looks at Kakashi, and Kakashi says, “Alright,” and pulls out the order he wrote down in his kitchen last night.

He must be hesitating for a beat too long, because Sasuke comes over to stand behind him.

“I'm not going to die,” Sasuke says. He leans over Kakashi, the warmth of his body radiating all along Kakashi’s back. The order is laying on the desk, right in front of both of them. It’s just an innocent piece of paper and Kakashi grips the pen in his hand a bit tighter, closes his eyes and there is blood on his- “I'm not going to die,” Sasuke's voice cuts through the image unfolding before Kakashi's tightly shut eyelids. He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes. “I'm very hard to kill,” Sasuke murmurs, presses a kiss to the back of Kakashi's head, “come on, make me your own personal body-guard, I don't care, just give me a job.” And that makes Kakashi laugh, a short hysterical snort, but it's something. So he grips the piece of paper, wrinkling it slightly in his haste and signs it before he chickens out again, closes his eyes immediately so he doesn't have to see the ink of his signature drying.  _ A death certificate, _ the words echo in his head.

“I'm going to guard you so good, Hokage-sama,” Sasuke whispers in his ear, and Kakashi keeps his eyes closed, fights against more of the hysterical laughter that's threatening to come out, “won't let any drunk teenage boys walk you to your bedroom and seduce you in the middle of the night.” 

“Fuck,” and Kakashi can't help it, he does start laughing, swivels the chair around so he can look into Sasuke's eyes, there's amusement in them, but also worry and that-- that just won't do. “You didn't seduce me, if anything, I seduced you,” he tilts his head up, and Sasuke scoffs and rolls his eyes, but leans in again, so close that their noses are touching, puts his hand on Kakashi’s shoulder. 

“Whatever makes you sleep better at night, Kakashi.” He presses a kiss to the tip of Kakashi's nose as he very slowly pulls down his mask. He kisses the corner of Kakashi's mouth and straddles him, and, it's really fucking uncomfortable, to sit like this in an office chair but Kakashi doesn't care, would do anything for a distraction from his still panicked thoughts. He presses a desperate kiss to Sasuke’s mouth and thinks,  _ a death certificate,  _ and,  _ please, please, just let me have this. _ So when Sasuke pulls away from the kiss and says, “I want you to fuck me on this desk,” Kakashi decides that as far distractions go, this will do.   
  


**Author's Note:**

> um so its been literal years since ive seen naruto so i do not remember how one does get into anbu etc. i did some minor research, but if everything i wrote here is wrong, im rly sorry!!!


End file.
